How to Deal with Exes Who Won’t Go Away

Dear RKP,

I have this ex-girlfriend who absolutely will not leave me alone. We broke up years ago.  I tried to keep things cool between us for a long time but she always pushes the boundaries.  She is really pushy and manipulative. . I feel like she doesn’t understand the word “No.” It is clear that she doesn’t care what kind of trouble she causes in my life as long as she is in my life. With facebook and cell phones its hard to avoid people you don’t want to talk to. I have been dating this amazing girl and she was being pretty cool about my ex being such a pain. I stared getting texts with racy remarks from random numbers in the middle of the night that turned out to be my ex.  Recently, my girlfriend has started to be less understanding of all this. I am afraid that if my ex keeps it up that my girlfriend will get really upset and I don’t really want/need this drama coming back from the relationship grave. What should I do?

Tired Of Drama

Dear TOD,

Unfortunately, this is a topic that is dear to my heart.  It was nice that you tried to have a friendly relationship with your ex-girlfriend. After all, isn’t the goal of “let’s just be friends” to do just that?  This type of post-romantic relationship transformation sometimes ends in tragedy when one or both parties are unable to handle the new boundaries they have negotiated.  It is understandable that your girlfriend would be upset by suggestive text messages in the middle of the night; I’d be concerned if she wasn’t.  It sounds like it’s in your best interest to nip this in the bud right away for the sake of your sanity and your relationship.  When dealing with people who have ignored your explicit requests to be left alone, you have to avoid any type of ambiguity.  Leaving any wiggle room or possibilities for future contact is out of the question.  Avoid any statements like:

-“You have to stop contacting me for now….”

-“Right now isn’t a good time.”

-“My girlfriend is uncomfortable with what your doing”

– Any reference to how positive things may have been in your past that you would use to soften the blow of telling her to get lost.

People like this are experts at finding loopholes in our requests for privacy.  You need to send a message that is clear and without compromise.

“Do not contact me ever again,” is a good one to use.

After you do this make sure you block her on facebook and do not respond to any more texts,calls, e-mails, etc.  She may be persistent but after a long enough silence she will move her attention onto something or someone else.

Zach Stone